An environmental group won a court order today that prevents the use certain forms of detection and weaponry by the US military.

The National Resources Defense Council sued the armed forces on behalf of at-risk species identified by the US Department of the Interior. The ruling affects the Southern California area only.                                                                                               

The white-sided dolphin, yellow swallowtail butterfly, little brown bat and gopher snake are among the animals protected. The judge explained her decision by citing the overwhelming scientific evidence that animals would suffer irreparable harm by certain military devices.

Prohibitions include sonar, radar and tasers; as well as all weapons which use explosive technology such as tanks, guns and missiles. The basis of National Resources Defense Council’s case assertedt these devices inflict harm on animals by either compromising there adaptive traits or killing them outright.

Jeffrey Balmer, local head of the Council offered examples. “ Radar ruins the little brown bat’s sound navigation system so that it’s vulnerable to predators.  The Navy’s underwater sonar kills white-sided dolphins.  Explosive devices, we all know what they can do. Have you ever seen a gopher snake that’s been tasered? It’s inhumane.”

Leading up to the trial, both sides received celebrity support. Kim Bassinger, Rob Reiner and Barbara Streisand appeared at rallies for the white-sided dolphin and other mammals. Speeches from Martin Sheen, the former President in “West Wing” seemed to bring the most vocal crowd reaction.

The government position was championed by aging action heroes like Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Animal advocates suggested these superstars had a vested interest in the military because real death and destruction encourages surviving fans to attend their movies.

Schwarzenegger, star of “Kindergarten Cop”, retorted that the National Resources Defense Council was willing to place wild animals over a cute kid or pet.  

In what may be a related development, CIA leaks suggest Osama Bin Laden has moved his headquarters from Tora Bora a rugged mountain region in Pakistan to the beautiful island of Catalina just off the coast of Southern California.

The five national guard members, still remaining in the US, searched the island for Bin Laden without success.

Military officials describe the situation as dire. Admiral Elvis Peacock, commander of the Pacific Fleet, declared. “If Muslims can swim, we in for a heap a deep of heartache.”

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.