High Fashion Promotional Palooza Comes to Knoxville

The first annual Bluegrass Fashion Show was held last Saturday in Knoxville, Kentucky. The exhibition featured students from the top fashion and merchandising schools in the tri-state area.

Participants had to make a dress with bathroom tissue in the allotted two hours.  The students were mentored by Don Ellis, “The Fashion Fellow” who is celebrating the 15^th year of his Ellis Line of Couture Clothes and Accessories.

Mr. Ellis who is known for designs which combine luxury, function and fantasy with the sensible talked about the show’s concept, “I was looking for designs that are hopelessly romantic, elegant but just a bit edgy. Now that’s Kentucky.”

The state, sometimes described as “five million people, fifteen surnames”, jointly sponsored the event with White Haven makers of Breezy bathroom tissue. Jeff Boone, Director of the Tourist Board, explained the state’s involvement. “Our state is not usually thought of when it comes to fashion. We hope to change that.”

Cosponsor White Haven used the show to get the word out to customers that Breezy will first appear next week in big box stores like Walmart and CostCo. The Breezy product was formerly known as The Outdoorsman.

The event was held in the city’s Livestock Auction Barn before a large enthusiastic crowd.

Patsy Boone of Knoxville Community College placed first over seven others. The show was judged by a celebrity panel: singer and actress Dolly Parton owner of Dollywood, a family adventure theme park just outside the city; Wilbur Boone, owner of the Shawnee Corn Maze in nearby Bourbon county and Mr. Ellis.

Patsy, who was awarded a tissue sash and $400 scholarship, spoke of her victory, “I just emptied my mind, buckled down and winged it. With a little imagination you can do alot.”

She used a novel technique to give Breezy the desired fabric like qualities. The tissue was packed in ice and then dried with a blow torch, giving the material hints of brown and black throughout. The other competitors seemed a bit uneasy seeing Patsy walk around with a blow torch.

Next year’s event will include high couture for both women and men. The men’s show will be sponsored by The Open Air Barn carriers of tool belts, work gloves and mosquito netting. The benefactor for the women’s exhibition will be Boone’s Family Restaurants, famous for their sleek oil tablecloths.  An even bigger turnout is expected next year.

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

Wall Street Kneels Before “Chubby Louie”

Wall Street is abuzz over the latest Silicon Valley wonder boy. Only this time he really is a boy.

Louis “Chubby Louie” Jilson celebrated his seventh birthday, three months ago. Investment bankers were spotted at the door of his parents’ ranch, bearing original releases of Louie’s favorite antique video games, such as Pong and Tetris

Unlike Bill Gates of Microsoft or Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook who achieved notoriety in their twenties by using their technical genius to create companies which went on to be worth billions, young Louie’s gift is hostile takeovers, mergers and acquisitions.

The baby faced CEO of Puppie Play Tail Holdings took over PopTop gaming last year with only $200,000 upfront. Now the video game maker is valued at over $600,000,000,000. Louie strategy is to acquire high tech companies which have either overreached or underperformed.

Louie was adopted in 2003 by a San Jose couple. There are rumors on Wall Street he was first raised by wolves.

His childhood was unremarkable but for two exceptions.  In kindergarten, Louie was dismissed after being repeatedly found selling snacks back to their original owners.

And there was the time he organized the ouster of his T-ball coach by promising the parents a championship. Player Louie wasn’t getting enough playing time. Coach Louie delivered.  

The child’s approach to social relationships is different.  But there are CEOs past and present who have their own eccentricities.

Apple’s Steve Jobs hates buttons on his machines and his shirts which explains his signature black turtleneck. Ted Turner of Turner Broadcasting once challenged Ruppert Murdoch to a boxing match.  And when, Peter Cray of Cray Research is bothered by a problem and needs to relax, he digs holes underneath his house

Wall Street calculates that given his youth, Louie’s wealth creation potential exceeds Bill Gates and Warren Buffet net worth combined.

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

Princess Diana Plague Outbreak

As the inquest into Princess Diana’s death continues, there has been a disease outbreak which medical authorities believe is related to the Princess.

Disease specialists theorize that Diana devotees started putting themselves at risk after the Princess was killed in a Paris car accident 10 years ago. The obsessive nature of interest; and the shear volume of information available have resulted in a near epidemic throughout Britain, Europe and US.

The disease is called RAIDS, Royal Auto -Immune Deficiency Syndrome. The malady seems to be a combination of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Sufferers have little energy and experience dehabilitating muscle pain. Trembling of the head and hands are seen in advanced cases.

Stress is the major cause of RAIDS.  

Conspiracy theories related to Diana’s death have exhausted those trying to make sense of what occurred. Many of the possibilities picture a cabal among Prince Phillip, Her Majesty the Queen and British Intelligence. The motives include: weariness over Diana dissing the royal family; and revulsion at the idea of marriage to Dodi Fayed and the patter of little Muslim feet.

There are additional conspiracy theories involving the likes of the CIA and Mossad; as well  Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise and NASA.

The conspiracy supported by the most evidence is the Princess’s public contempt for the royal family. The comment by Prince Phillip, “She’s more trouble dead than alive” may show killer’s remorse.   

Staying abreast of Princess Diana books and movies has also compromised the immune system of RAIDS sufferers. The excruciating detail of books like “Diana the Kindergarten Years”; along with titillating offerings by “Liz”, Diana’s dog,  such as the bestseller “I Was Petted by Lady Di”, and the blockbuster sequel “I Licked Lady Di” suggest an unhealthy preoccupation.

The 2006 government report on whether or not Diana was murdered runs 837 pages.  A “Princess Diana” book query on Amazon.com comes back with over 8500 items. And there is more about the Princess everyday.

“Just say No” doesn’t work and a cure for the disease has not been found. Britain’s Medical Research Council is experimenting with a treatment similar to the heroin-methadone model. Patients would be required to give up everything Diana and take doses of John Lennon and Elvis.

 Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

Traffic Light Angst

Dr. Aaron Jay says traffic lights must go. Despite controversy, the traffic psychologist maintains lights are unsafe; despoil the environment; prevent the individual from realizing his full potential. And these problems can be solved.

He asserts this form of traffic control stimulates aggression when drivers rush to make a green or yellow light; while being required to stop by a red light plants seeds of frustration. “These emotions are harmful. Anger and frustration add up to one thing, road rage.” says the doctor, who teaches at the University of Wyoming.

Dr Jay argues intersections are places of death and destruction. Ever since traffic lights were installed, Dr Jay points out “Over the years there have been more fatalities than the Spanish – American and Civil Wars; World War I and II combined.”

Critics respond that a stop light offers the opportunity to relax or take care of personal affairs like singing; or googling; or chatting and gaming with friends using one’s iPhone.

The professor says the traffic light is representative of even deeper psychological and sociological problems.

People are not able to use their own good judgment. “The present day traffic paradigm is a symbol of disenfranchisement. Drivers conform to a system rather than the system conforming to them; it doesn’t allow people to use their own decision-making skills. “The lights stunt personal growth.” he says.

It’s also harmful to the environment.  With a bit of disdain Dr. Jay opines, “These traffic lights are a time waster. Stopping at a light means more time, more gas. Greenhouse emissions go up.”

What’s Dr Jay’s solution?

Replace the traffic light system with “Road consciousness.” Think of a skateboard park, the skaters execute jumps, traverse railings, skate backwards without restriction. Each skater is aware of those around him. There’s a natural flow of movement.

No automated traffic management system is needed says the psychologist. He envisions the same for cars, a new era of civility on our roads. Drivers will be naturally aware and give the right of way to each other. In Dr Jay’s world, “Drivers see others as human not as some inanimate obstruction.”

He also argues unlighted intersections are safer for blind people if they are provided proper orientation.  Results from field tests have been mixed.

Critics counter stop lights allow people to attend to personal appearance and hygiene. Drivers, men and women alike, can spruce their hair, apply make-up and pick their nose. 

The conflicts between Dr Jay and his critics are existential. Are we better off being part of a collective enterprise, as the doctor purports; or does each of us live a fuller life by tending to their own needs? In other words, is it better to look good than drive good.

Note ripped from the headlines, totally made-up

Oklahoma Revenge, Indian Tribe Wins

Facts are coming forth about how and why members of the Seminole Indian tribe seized Duncan Doughnuts shops in the city of Redjacket, Oklahoma.  The capture of seven local franchises from the largest seller of coffee and donuts in the US is now in day three.

The Indian effort was well planned. War parties of six took over each store around midnight. The method was the same at each.

Confusion turned to horror as patrons and employees watched Indians on horseback gallop and whoop around the store firing arrows against the glass store front.

The Redmen, wearing war paint, loincloths and animal skin boots, disappeared after about ten minutes. Moments later, the Indians ran towards the front of the store with flaming torches. They continued around back. Fearing they would be burned alive, the people inside bolted and ran screaming into the night. Some sustained minor injuries falling down and bumping into things.

In last two days, the young renegades have taken down the Duncan Doughnut signage and put up their own “The Sacred Earth Health Stop”. Tribal sources indicate the new store will sell traditional Indian remedies. Each store will also have a medicine man available for consultation and evil spirit removal.

The franchise takeover is the result of a schism with the tribe, Indian sources say. The owners of Golden Buffalo Casino just outside Redjacket could not agree whether to expand their gambling establishment or diversify into other enterprises. The spilt was young versus old.

Surprisingly, younger members took matters into their own hands and captured the stores. Later the tribal elders decided to handle the dispute within and support the young bucks’ action.

City officials have yet to respond. Insiders say that the city will not challenge the Seminoles because of the legal and financial problems which would result from the conflict.

At the end Florida’s Second Seminole War in 1842, the Seminoles signed no treaty with the US government and then migrated to Oklahoma. Land rights were never resolved.

Secondly, half of Redjacket’s revenue comes from the Golden Buffalo. The Indians would withhold payment. The dispute would require the shut down of schools and other services

With the number of casinos across the country and recent events in Wewoka, the Indians’ sale of Manhattan for $24 back was a good move. Today, wampum power trumps firepower.

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up

       

Navigation Units Pain Drivers

The Federal government has ordered the recall of in-car navigation systems due to driver problems.

 

These devices give motorists directions by map and voice. Defective 2007 units, manufactured by Alpine Electronics and Garmin International, have caused people to arrive at the wrong destination and suffer unnecessary repairs.

Fred Cushman, 76 of Fairfax, Virginia tells his story. “We love our nav. But one day, I went out for milk and put it on just for fun. I was going to the SunnyFast about 2 miles away. When I had to stop for gas at the SunnyFast across the city, I thought something might be wrong but I kept going. Before, I knew it I was in downtown Richmond. That’s a 100 miles. That ain’t right.” This also distressed Mrs. Cushman, who thought Fred, just went for milk.

In-car navigation units have also caused repair problems. The nav-voice sometimes stutters. Drivers stop, inch forward, and accelerate repeatedly. Owners have had to replace brakes as soon as 10,000 miles.

Recently executives from Alpine and Garmin were called before a Congressional Committee. They didn’t show up. Someone saw them renting a car at Reagan National Airport. They were last spotted in Georgia headed south on I-95.

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

 

Increased Terrorist Risk as Dolphins Disarm Navy

An environmental group won a court order today that prevents the use certain forms of detection and weaponry by the US military.

The National Resources Defense Council sued the armed forces on behalf of at-risk species identified by the US Department of the Interior. The ruling affects the Southern California area only.                                                                                               

The white-sided dolphin, yellow swallowtail butterfly, little brown bat and gopher snake are among the animals protected. The judge explained her decision by citing the overwhelming scientific evidence that animals would suffer irreparable harm by certain military devices.

Prohibitions include sonar, radar and tasers; as well as all weapons which use explosive technology such as tanks, guns and missiles. The basis of National Resources Defense Council’s case assertedt these devices inflict harm on animals by either compromising there adaptive traits or killing them outright.

Jeffrey Balmer, local head of the Council offered examples. “ Radar ruins the little brown bat’s sound navigation system so that it’s vulnerable to predators.  The Navy’s underwater sonar kills white-sided dolphins.  Explosive devices, we all know what they can do. Have you ever seen a gopher snake that’s been tasered? It’s inhumane.”

Leading up to the trial, both sides received celebrity support. Kim Bassinger, Rob Reiner and Barbara Streisand appeared at rallies for the white-sided dolphin and other mammals. Speeches from Martin Sheen, the former President in “West Wing” seemed to bring the most vocal crowd reaction.

The government position was championed by aging action heroes like Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Animal advocates suggested these superstars had a vested interest in the military because real death and destruction encourages surviving fans to attend their movies.

Schwarzenegger, star of “Kindergarten Cop”, retorted that the National Resources Defense Council was willing to place wild animals over a cute kid or pet.  

In what may be a related development, CIA leaks suggest Osama Bin Laden has moved his headquarters from Tora Bora a rugged mountain region in Pakistan to the beautiful island of Catalina just off the coast of Southern California.

The five national guard members, still remaining in the US, searched the island for Bin Laden without success.

Military officials describe the situation as dire. Admiral Elvis Peacock, commander of the Pacific Fleet, declared. “If Muslims can swim, we in for a heap a deep of heartache.”

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

India Leader in Pregnancy Outsourcing

Many corporations have sent jobs to India to reduce costs. Now India is again on the cusp of a new outsourcing phase.  Indian women are having babies for infertile couples in other countries.

As the work of information technology is outsourced via the internet, advances in biotechnology have enabled child bearing to be sent offshore. With in-vitro fertilization, a women’s egg and man’s sperm are joined in a Petri dish and some fertilized eggs are then implanted in a surrogate.

Commercial surrogacy has been legal in India since 2002. The city of Anand, already known as the milk capital of the nation, is well on its way to be Silicon Valley of infant output.

Currently there a 50 Indian women carrying immigrated embryos. Couples from the US, Britain, and Taiwan are availing themselves of this service. The US cost of in-vitro is $60,000, out of the reach of many couples who would like have to a child. It can be done in India for $6,000 for those who have the money and the access.

There is protest against pregnancy outsourcing. The Catholic Church and the Aryan Brotherhood have formed an alliance to oppose the practice on moral grounds.  The Church’s position is an embryo unused violates the sanctity of life; the Brotherhood maintains a baby born by an Indian mother despoils racial purity. 

Despite issues of sanctity and purity, experts forecast that more US couples will arrange for Indian in-vitro to cope with the rising cost of US healthcare.

Self-serving institutional greed,morality and bluster can’t stop some couples from creating a family. 

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.

Gore Loses Again, Supreme Court Awards Internet to Scoble

             In a narrow 5-4 Supreme Court decision, ownership of the internet passed from former Vice President Al Gore to Robert Scoble, the blogger extraordinaire of Scobleizer. 

One member of the small group of wonks and geeks which filed the suit in Scoble’s behalf declared, “This will change the digital landscape forever. Gore has a terrestrial paradigm while Robert has never been well grounded; he’s a child of the blogosphere.” Attempts to understand what he meant were unsuccessful.

Al Gore, inventor of the internet, did not respond to text messages. This is the second time the Court has dealt a cruel loss to the global warming champion. In 2000, America’s highest court awarded the Presidency to George W Bush over Gore.

Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin said of the recent internet ruling, “Al has really blown it this time.”

The decision was based on the concept of adverse possession, better known as squatters’ rights. The Justices looked at precedents in both common and Louisiana law. The owner has to abandon the property, the squatter needs to continuously use the vacated domain and the squatter’s activities have to be both legal and hostile.

The abandonment clock began ticking on Gore after the Court’s 2000 ruling. He dropped out of sight. The former Vice President later resurfaced with boring PowerPoint presentations and home movies. Despite the tedium, Gore managed to scare people to death and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

The door was open and Robert Scoble walked through. He incessantly posted to his blog. Well within his legal rights, Scoble filled his weblog with jargon only a few could understand.  The case then turned on the issue of squatter hostility. The Court found his lustful use of first person pronouns (I, me, my, mine) technically legal but extremely annoying. The decision was made for Scoble.

VP Gore has disappeared again and rumored to be growing a beard.  

Note: Ripped from the headlines and totally made-up.